Dear Howard Stern, My Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Join American Idol
I've been listening to your show for at least twenty years. As a fairly progressive female, it hasn't always been easy justifying WHY I like your show or WHY I find you entertaining — I just do.
I am clearly not alone. Even the producers of Fox's hit show, American Idol, see the inherent value in your brand of humor and ability to entertain. I also know that unlike so many in the media, you aren't a complete phony. You call yourself out for the same qualities you loathe in others, and try to present as real a face as you can, which can't be easy for a reclusive, self-hating, therapy-addicted millionaire. I respect that about you.
So, it is with this in mind I present you my "Top Ten Reasons for Replacing Simon Cowell":
- 10. American Idol needs an angry curmudgeon to provide balance to what will now be a lopsided set of judges. Frankly, who's angrier than you? Well, maybe Glenn Beck, but his demographic audience still live in caves.
- 9. You have great hair. Seriously, not many guys over 50 can pull off that style and you do it beautifully.
- 8. You'd make a great judge. You are mean-spirited, but fair. Perfect.
- 7. You won't have to get up at 4 a.m. anymore. That's reason enough right there!
- 6. $100 million dollars. Who doesn't like money? And in this economy, we can't afford to be picky.
- 5. American Idol would be infinitely more fun with YOU bantering with Ellen, Kara, Randy and Ryan. I mean the lesbian jokes alone will write themselves.
- 4. You have yet to conquer television and I know deep down this haunts you. Overcome your fears, JUST DO IT!
- 3. Think about how horrified Rupert Murdoch will be.
- 2. If you don't take the job, we might get stuck with Elton John or Puff Diddy. Let's face it, that would SUCK ass.
and the number one reason your should take the American Idol job.....
- 1. If you take the AI job, I will come on your show and take my top off. (hmm...I should really give this one more thought).