Feature: Soapbox Musings

December 21st, 2012, the Conspiracy Edition!

Author: Shea Wong
Published: December 17, 2012 at 5:42 am

I'm not a huge fan of conspiracy theories.  I'm more a fan of...reason.  Data.  Peer-reviewed studies.  Wacky things like that.  Sure, underhanded stuff happens every day, but the point of reason is that you can uncover underhanded stuff WITHOUT TINFOIL HABERDASHERY.  Just sayin'.

But, as it's been a whole 12 years since the last hyperbolic screamfest (*waves to Y2K*), I thought I'd look at a great conspiracy theory swirling around Dec 21st.  Prepare your Reynolds Wrap, folks, I'm going in.

The Mayan calendar dates from approximately pre-1500s, and uses varying lengths of time.  No one actually knows when the calendar begins or ends, but some guys in the 1920s sort of figured out it should have been around this time.  The final cycle ends on our December 21, 2012 (I guess.  Maybe.  Because, you know, the dudes from the 1920's couldn't quite agree).  Anyways, I'm overthinking this.  Fact (snerk) is, the calender ends in a little over a week.  Now the only worry is, how will it all end?


Of course, we have to consult Nostradamus.  The French apothecary (fancy word for pharmacist) who magically saw stuff.  I'm sure these visions had nothing to do with his day job, which was to mix and dispense drugs.  Nothing whatsoever.  And what is one of his ramblings?

"From the calm morning, the end will come ... When of the dancing horse the number of circles will be 9."

Here's where it gets wacky, where we  just start grabbing for whatever we need to make it work.  You ready?

Gangnam Style.

That's right!  Psy's 'Gangnam Style' is what will bring on the end days.  It all makes sense!

  1. The 'dancing horse' is obviously the dance move that your drunk uncle tried to do at Thanksgiving before he called your mom a jerk and passed out in the mashed potatoes.
  2. 'Gangnam Style' is the most popular Youtube video of all time, with at this writing, 940,457,329 views.  Once he hits his next milestone, he will have 1 billion.  That's 1,000,000,000 views.  9 ZEROES, PEOPLE.  "The Number of circles will be nine".

So, we've established an actual occurrence (possibly, as no one can accurately match up the Mayan calendar to today's calendar), a whacked-out dead French guy's ramblings, and a Youtube video.  Time to go through the looking glass.

1.  Psy used to be an American-hating artist, who in 2002 performed in a protest concert against a US military convoy when they struck and killed two South Korean school girls.  Nevertheless, he is beloved in America and even performed at the White House Christmas charity concert.  (Excellent, we can now include Obama on this theory!)

2.  In early 2012 Psy was invited to the UN to speak with fellow S Korean and Secretary General to the UN, Ban Ki-moon about the universality of music.  (This is a RW conspiracy theorist's wet dream, as the UN is now implicated).

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