Christmas Songs That Suck Smelly Reindeer Balls
Josh and I are at it again. This time we came up with our list of all-time X-mas musical excrement for your review. We managed to see eye to eye on most of our selections, except one. And that one, well, I will make a believer out of Josh before Santa squeezes his big, cookie-filled butt up the last chimney of 2007. Word to your mother. So, without further fanfare, behold Christmas' worse aural offerings:
Every year it seems to get tougher and tougher for me to enjoy Christmas. I’m sure some of it my premature grouchiness – my mom loves telling the story of how my favorite cartoon characters as a child were Yosemite Sam and Oscar The Grouch, so this has been building for decades now (and yes, I know Oscar isn’t technically a cartoon character, so get over it).
More than that, though, is the expansion of the Christmas season. I never used to believe there could be too much of a good thing until I started seeing f*ckin’ Christmas decorations in stores before Halloween. Maybe I’m not grouchier, I’m just… tired. Fatigued. Overloaded. Dosed.
The more I think about it the more sure I become that the problem isn’t me, it’s the crass commercial expansion of the season. ‘Tis the season to blame someone else, after all. Maybe the reason I snarl at anyone wishing me a Merry Christmas in December is that I’ve been hearing Muzak Christmas carols for months now. With that cheery thought in mind, Glosslip’s "D" and I have compiled a list of Christmas songs we’re already sick of hearing:
1. Trans-Siberian Orchestra - “Christmas / Sarajevo 12/24:†What a piece of crap this overblown tripe is! I didn’t like it the first time I heard it and I don’t like it now. I think people dug it because it was different. Different isn’t always a good thing. This song, for instance.
2. Kenny G - “Walking In a Winter Wonderland:†Horrible. Dreck. Unlistenable. Just about any time I get dragged to a craft store with TheWifeToWhomI’mMarried – which granted isn’t all that often — I hear this song. If I don’t hear it in fuckin’ Hobby Lobby, I’ll hear it in the grocery store. This song is one more example of why I don’t go anywhere without my iPod. It’s just hideous. There’s really no politically correct way to say this, but why do we have multiple Christmas records from Kenny G and Michael Bolton?
3. Anne Murray - “Walking in a Winter Wonderland:†I don’t know, maybe I just have something against the song. I have an aunt who liked Anne Murray. I don’t know why. It’s time to retire this one. Scmaltz.
4. Anything by Manheim Steamroller, especially that one song: Does anyone really need an explanation for this?
5. The McKenzie Brothers - “12 Days of Christmas:†Yeah, I thought this one was funny when I was 14. It’s lost some of its luster. This one needs to go.
6. Paul McCartney - “Wonderful Christmastime:†I love The Beatles and I like Sir Paul, but this turd needs to flush. That synth he’s using should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
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