International Minimum Showbiz Age
Limitations are important. Limits are put in place to protect and serve the citizens of the world, and while they may differ, the objective remains the same. We have legal minimum ages for drinking, driving and intercourse. These measures are imposed to minimize danger and maximize safety for our youth. A 10 year-old cannot handle alcohol. A 10 year-old cannot handle driving. More importantly, a 10 year-old cannot handle the immense social pressures and media molestation that comes with stratosphere dwelling global super stardom.
My proposal; limits.
Internationally imposed minimum showbiz ages would help maintain the peace and stability of our harmonious planet. A peace that's under constant threat from celebrated hellions like Justin Bieber and Willow Smith. A legal minimum showbiz age of 18 would mean innocent civilians would no longer have to suffer the inhumanity of their aural assaults.
Child stars are like weeds. Mercilessly germinating and relentlessly wriggling through your freshly laid tarmacadam until they sprout up through your drive, and before you know it, your car's in a tree.
The latest ragweed on the cultural horizon is 'YouTube sensation' Heather Russell. Brought to us courtesy of Darth Cowell, who's signed her to his SyCo label. Presumably to honor her talent and provide her with the opportunity to heal our broken world through the power of song. To earn a shitload of cash too. Don't forget that.
Despite Heather staring through the camera lens into my soul in a way I find extremely sinister, she can certainly sing. But does she really need this now? I don't think so.
If children are truly talented, why rush them into their career? True talent has a way of squirming its wormy way into the mainstream. Meanwhile they can sharpen their skills. By the time they 'arrive' they'll be more experienced and as such, a better performer. What's the rush? The average life expectancy of females in Canada is 82.9 years, giving Heather Russell 72.9 years in which to take a bloody cleaver to our carefully controlled chart music and hack out a career for herself.
Of course as a parent, every day your child isn't selling a records is a day you aren't making money. That simply won't do. Two parents hit hard by the recession are Will and Jada Pinkett Smith. They're so broke they were forced to traffic their daughter, effectively selling her to Jay-Z's Roc Nation label in a desperate effort to claw back some cash. It's a tragic story. Mainly because it meant the world had to endure this.
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