The Wanted Are Very Unwanted
Ignorance is bliss, and if you’re blissfully unaware of the existence of The Wanted then I envy you. You’ll be surprised to hear that they aren’t the latest American-teen emotional pop band. No, these kids are a humble boy band.
The problem I have with this ‘band’ is simple: they represent everything that’s wrong with music. Everything about them is wrong. Take the name for example: The Wanted. This conjures up images of riots, ruffians and rebels, but the only thing these kids are rebelling against is musical decency. Still, it's better than their original name: The Fux. This group isn’t wanted. They’re unwanted. Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden is wanted, and although their crimes come close to that of the bearded bedlamite, constantly piloting their metaphorical planes toward my radio or television, hoping to bring down my empire unless I can find the remote quick enough to deter them, they’re not nearly as sought after by the FBI. And you haven’t made it until you’re on that Bureau’s list.
I may be wrong, but I seriously doubt these lads were all childhood friends who grew up together with the dream of one day becoming a pop sensation. I imagine record producers stoically sifted through hundreds of young boys like some sort of horrifying pedophilic pop-culture butcher’s shop, where he finally found the five most generically pretty and vocally unimpressive slabs of meat the UK had to offer. Tom, Siva, Max, Jay and Nathan.
I disliked them before I even read their profiles. Seriously, go on to the website and look. They come across as more two-dimensional than Super Paper Mario. Siva for example, his hometown is Ireland. I’ve been and it’s lovely, certainly not a town though. Despite this, Max does exhibit some deep characteristics; he hates it when he comes into contact with a dry sponge. Weirdo. Between them their favorite foods range from Dominos, full English, brownies and Errrrrm, pizza, chips, cheese toasties. And as for the music, well, their favorite bands are; Oasis, Coldplay and Boys II Men. Enough said. What happened to passion? What happened to talent? Having said that, not all artificially engineered bands turn out bad, just look at The Sex Pistols. But I’m fairly sure The Wanted won’t be arrested for boat tripping down the River Thames anytime soon. Though it’d be damn funny if they were.Continued on the next page