DWTS: Alas, Poor Hoff, We Barely Knew Ye
Sometimes I get it right. This time I was right not to post the piece I was going to write Tuesday morning, the one where I was going to tell you that Margaret Cho was a mortal lock to be the first celebrity shown the door on Dancing With The Stars.
Aside from the fact that her Viennese waltz rated somewhere between nauseating and nightmarish, tending toward painful, where's the fan base for pudgy garishly tattooed lesbian comedians?
I always figured that David Hasselhoff wouldn't go deep, but that he'd stick around for at least three or four weeks, based on all those beach pics from Bay Watch, baby-boomer sympathy for a 58-year-old moving joints that haven't been challenged since the Carter administration — plus, he has good hair.
He also had Kym Johnson going for him, trying, in Edyta's absence, for the highest skin to sequin ratio on national TV. If Jerry Springer and Wayne Newton could stumble and bumble across the hardwood for half a dozen weeks, surely the Hoff could make it past his first two-minute seizure in heels. Apparently not.
God knows Hasselhoff had plenty of competition for the dancer most closely resembling a wounded wildebeest. Kurt Warner, for one, danced as if he'd just arisen from Dr. Frankenstein's operating table.
If Bristol Palin makes it beyond week three, it will be proof positive that the DWTS producers have the Kate Gosselin fix in. She's got to be the stiffest 19-year-old woman in North America. And it was uncomfortable watching how she visibly pulled away every time Louis van Amstel tried to embrace her. Listen, Bristol, here's the deal:
1-It's dancing. People touch.
2-Louis is gay. He's not going to challenge your newfound abstinence.
3-What part of "dance costumes are skimpy and tight" did you not understand?
If I have to watch Sarah Palin kvelling in the front row even once, I'm switching the channel to The Event.