I am the Sushi King
I am the sushi king. This is commonly known amongst my friends. Mind you, this is less for my depth of knowledge regarding raw fish and rice than it is for my friends lack of it. And this isn't something I'm about to discourage. There is no way I'm going to let a group of mouth breathers who order their steaks well done have a say in my raw fish. No way.
As the sushi king I am also the head of Public Relations. It’s a good job, in a dishonest kind of way, if you know what I mean. I get to make sushi look sexy. How hard is that?
In truth, when I walk from the door of the restaurant to my table (or place at the sushi bar) I'm always straining my neck trying to get a look at the perfectly designed concoctions invitingly displayed like artwork on porcelain. I'm really not looking at that 30-something's perfectly formed plastic mammaries, the ones busting out of her too-tight fitted t-shirt and enveloping that beautifully crafted dish, as she leans in to talk to the jerk opposite her. I swear. Every neck craning step I take before being seated I'm asking myself "What the hell is that?" Usually, I’m talking about the food.
Half of the stuff I see in sushi restaurants is new to me, one of the perils of popularity are the knockoffs and diversions. I know what I like when it comes to sushi and I generally stay inside the lines of comfort. As I’ve said, I’m the sushi king. I'm not much of a sushi expert. I just play one in the company of friends.
I can tell red fish from white fish. And I know that scallops are like candy from the ocean (sliced not diced, please). I know that salmon from the north atlantic is sweeter because of its higher fat composition - due to the colder waters where the fish lives. I don't need to know what kind of fish eggs those are because they're damned salty and I don't like them. Nor can I tell you why it's called a "Spider Roll." What in the hell do spiders have to do with sushi and why would I want to eat one? Oh, and that caterpillar roll, while visually entertaining, is just as confusing. If we wait too long to eat it will it morph into a butterfly roll? Look, I'm not an insectologist. Keep your damn bugs back in the kitchen where they belong.
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