TheFurFiles - Bachelor Party Pickle, Self-Proclaimed Boy Toy, Why Guys Like Breasts
Madame Floretta “Fern” De Villiers, a.k.a. “Amanda Fox” is an author of erotic fiction and commentary. This is her weekly advice column.
Friday, December 31th, 2010.
I am a twenty-six year old man on the verge of getting married. The other night, at my stag party, my buddies got me really drunk and then they hired me a hooker.
Unfortunately, things went a little further than they should have, though Candy and I didn’t actually sleep together. Well, we almost did, like I performed oral sex on her and she performed oral sex on me, and I DID put my "hoochie" in her "goochie". In the end though, I held back, only climaxing on her belly.
The thing is, my fiancé is totally against this sort of behavior. Before the party, she gave me strict orders, saying, “Derek, you’d better not get really drunk tonight and then sleep with a hooker. If you do, I absolutely WILL NOT marry you.”
So now I figure I’m screwed. What do you think? Should I call off the wedding myself, or try to keep what happened a secret forever?
In Some Seriously Hot Water
Dear In And Out, In And Out, In And Out,
I love it when people get totally smashed. Their true nature always comes out. But so what if you acted like a man-whore at your stag? Actually, it puts you in the perfect position to get married because now you already know what it's like to feel guilty.
Where did my body go? I used to be a hot tamale. Three kids later and I have a muffin top, a butt big enough to park a truck under it, and boobs that hang down to my bellybutton. What the heck is going on?
Too Fat to $#@%
Dear You Are NEVER Too Fat To $#@%,
And you’ve probably heard this a million times before, but you know that little pooch of stretch-marked skin that hangs down when you perch on your hands and knees, and you know those annoying cellulite dimples that have taken over your buttocks and thighs, well, they are truly badges of motherhood and you should consider them as such. So stop your whining and go out there and get busy.