TheFurFiles - The Blame Game, Desperate To Do It, Tequila Sunrise
Madame Floretta “Fern” De Villiers, a.k.a. “Amanda Fox”, is an author of erotic fiction and commentary. This is her weekly advice column.
Friday, March 18th, 2011.
Dear Fern,
I liked this girl. When I asked my friend what to do, he told me to play it cool. She then moved on and started dating someone else. I am extremely angry with my friend for making me miss out on this opportunity. Do you think it is reasonable for me to hate him?
Sincerely,
Tardy In Toledo
Dear TIT,
You must be the type of person to fart on the bus and then say, “Oh my gosh grandma, you stink.”
You must be the type of person to throw your leftover Harvey’s bag out the window while driving down the highway, and then, when a huge accident erupts behind you, you send the police the license plate number of your next-door neighbor and tell them that you witnessed the incident and that it was indeed his act of self-righteous negligence that caused all the trouble.
You must be the type of person that when you go fishing and you catch something, you look down at the poor creature gasping for air and you point to your buddy and say, “Hey fish, it was HIS idea to come here, and HIS worm.”
You must be the type of person to have sex with your girlfriend KNOWING you have an STD (which you picked up from sleeping with HER best friend), and before she has time to discover she has something, you sit beside her while she sleeps and use hypnosis to convince her that when she was out clubbing with her girlfriends the week before, she hooked up with some random stranger in the washroom, sans protection. Then, when she wakes up the next morning and she confronts you with her cheating ways, and as an apology, bakes you a chocolate cake from scratch and buys you a new Rolex watch, you retort, “I can’t believe I ever trusted you, you skanky biatch.”
You must be the type of person that says you couldn’t call 911 to save your boss from choking because the number (with area code) wasn’t clearly posted on the office bulletin board.
TIT, you can’t go around blaming other people for your failures. Friends don’t know everything.
________________________________________
Dear Fern,
I am a single woman who hasn’t had sex in about ten months. I am getting desperate but there just don’t seem to be any good guys out there these days. What should I do?
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