TheFurFiles - The Ultimate Orgasm, Fetish For Fat Forty-Year-Olds, Strap-On Surprise
Madame Floretta “Fern” De Villiers, a.k.a. “Amanda Fox” is an author of erotic fiction and commentary. This is her weekly advice column.
Friday, January 14th, 2011.
Dear Fern,
If I do say so myself, I think that I’m a pretty good lover. I was just wondering though, since there is always room for improvement, do you have any tips on how to achieve and/or give the ultimate orgasm?
Sincerely,
Innate Desire To Be The Absolute Best Human Being On The Planet, Like Heidi Montag And/Or Jake Pavelka
Dear Innate,
Since you are looking to achieve and/or give the “ultimate” orgasm, I think it would be prudent for you to get some tips from other “ultimate” undertakings, like “Ultimate Frisbee” or “The Ultimate Fighter” or “The Ultimate Guitar Tabs Archive”. Thus, submit to the following and you are sure to succeed…
1. Getting twisted up like a pretzel is a good thing. It’s all part of the game.
2. You need to have patience, you need to persevere, and you need to work hard.
3. Hitting people below the belt is NOT allowed, and in your case, it’s actually counterproductive. You can however, punch people directly in the face, but make sure they say it’s OK first.
4. If Georges St-Pierre wants to join you for a threesome, let him. The man’s a freakin’ god.
5. Learn about your opponent/lover from the inside out. The more you know what makes them tick, the easier it will be to defeat/please them.
6. Games have seven players per team, which means fourteen people on the field at once. You should try this in your bed.
7. Sure, the goal is to score, but it’s more important to have fun.
8. Music is key for setting the mood. Led Zeppelin is popular. Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift, not so much.
9. “Slipknot” songs were inspired by porn. You should be too.
10. Ronnie James Dio’s father died on December 28, 2010. He was ninety-two years old. If you live half as long as he did, you should have plenty of time to perfect your technique.
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Dear Fern,
Amber – my eighteen-year-old daughter – just told me that she has a “thing” for overweight, forty-year-old men. Yikes! Should I lock her in her room forever?
Sincerely,
What The Hell Is Wrong With Her?
Dear Yikes Is Right,
And I know exactly the kind of guy she is talking about too – guys like John C. Reilly, Zach Galifianakis and Philip Seymour Hoffman. These “I make up for my lack of attractiveness with my witty charm” types have suddenly become popular with the younger female crowd. Not an easy pill to swallow, especially if you are a mother to one of these young ladies.
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