TheFurFiles - Unpalatable Pet Names, Latent Lover, Hot For Hubby's BFF
Madame Floretta “Fern” De Villiers, a.k.a. “Amanda Fox” is an author of erotic fiction and commentary. This is her weekly advice column.
Friday, January 21st, 2011.
I’ve been dating this guy for about six months, and now that we are getting more comfortable with each other, he has started calling me really embarrassing pet names. It’s annoying when he does it around the house, but it’s even worse when he does it in public.
For example, if we are out at the movies, he’ll say something like, “Do you want some buttered popcorn or a bag of jelly tots to eat during the show my little boo boo bunnykins?” Or how about, “Shall we see ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ with Julia Roberts or the re-release of ‘A Cinderella Story’ with Hilary Duff my little chubby chipmunk cheeks.” I mean geez, I’m not even overweight. I tell you Fern, pretty soon I’m going to put a stop to this nonsense by breaking up with Dre in a very public and hurtful manner. Unless of course, you have a better idea?
My Name Is Jonathan, Just Jonathan
I had a Bunnykins bowl when I was a kid. It was the best. Now answer me this, J-O-N-A-T-H-A-N…
Are you the type of guy who wakes up at the crack of dawn and yells out the window, “All you birds chirping your happy morning song had better shut the %$#@ up or I’m going to come out there and kick some robin and cardinal and sparrow %$$!”
Are you the type of guy who tells little children that there is no Santa just so you can watch them cry?
Are you the type of guy who has a Grinch sheet set on your bed and a poster of Victoria Beckham on your wall?
Are you the type of guy who goes to the zoo and makes fun of the animals because they are in cages and you are not?
Are you the type of guy most would call a killjoy, a sourpuss, a crosspatch, a bellyacher, or a curmudgeon? I think you are, you cantankerous son-of-a-gun.
Granted life can be embarrassing sometimes, but so what? Your partner loves you and he just wants to show it. Get over yourself.
Quick question. If you were the last person on earth, would you have sex with your cat/dog/horse? Yes or no? I know how much you love animals [snicker, snicker]…Continued on the next page