Do Right-wing Conservatives Deserve a Punch in the Nose?
A grown man gave my son the finger today. The man was riding in his car, which was sporting a bunch of anti-Obama bumper stickers. Things like “Obama tortures me,” I’m told. You know the type. So while my wife and son drove by, Jake gave the guy a thumbs-down. (He is his father’s son.) In return, the man gave an eight year-old boy the finger. Yes that finger.
Both my wonderful wife, Suzanne, and my young son took the attempted insult in stride. They looked at each other and laughed. To tell you the truth, when they told me so did I. But it made me start thinking about something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately—Is it time to start punching conservatives in the nose?
There is actually a pretty good argument for belting these big-mouths. Here are seven reasons why you might want to consider it…
1. It’s not violence, although you can be sure that the bloody-nose guy will whine that it is. Cutting, shooting, breaking, burning and rape are violence. A good, old-fashioned punch in the nose is not. The act is dramatic; however the lasting physical harm is mostly nonexistent.
2. Every right-winger believes in it. Of course, he mostly believes in it when he’s carping about liberals, but hey, that’s beside the point. For him, it’s just the start. All that kid needs is a good spanking, he rants. We should throw away the key for criminals, he opines. He cheers when the subject of capital punishment is discussed. He yells “Let him die,” if some poor cancer slob was too dumb to buy health insurance.
3. A punch in the nose is a great wakeup call. First comes shock. Then he’ll grab the throbbing protrusion and—invariably—pinch it together while saying “You hit me!” in a high-pitched, nasally voice. Yes, a thump on the tip carries a ton of Shock and Awe™. The person can’t believe you did it and can’t believe you’re standing there smiling at them. Later he figures out that the punch was related to his big mouth. And therein lies the lesson.
4. As a bad thing, getting socked is highly overrated. Like giving a speech in your underpants, most people are much more afraid of getting punched than it deserves. In reality, it ain’t that big a deal. Either way you’ll have a great story. “I punched an asshole and he beat me up” will still earn respect from your buddies.Continued on the next page