Doctors Find Cure for Cancerous America
In a shocking press conference today, doctors at the American Institute for Sick Economies announced a cure for the economic cancer that has been plaguing America since 2001.
"There's some disagreement among my colleagues and I which treatment did the job," Dr. Barack Obama the institute's director said, "But we all agree it was some kind of poison that stopped the cancer from growing."
"We met and we met and we met and we were getting nowhere," said Dr. John Boehner, head of the institute's Department of Epidemiology. "We felt at first that just throwing money at the patient's insurance company would do the trick, so that's what we did. It's what we've been doing since 2001 since Dr. Bush ran the institute. But instead of shrinking the cancer, which we've named "Povertius Republicani", the tumor just grew and grew, really taking off in late 2008."
"Our first thoughts were that it was best to just keep doing what we were doing," said Dr. Eric Cantor, Dr. Boehner's associate director. "It clearly wasn't working, but you just don't change horses in midstream."
"And that was the trouble," said Dr. Nancy Pelosi, head of the institute's Department of Progressive Therapy. "In fact, we felt that by throwing money at the insurance companies, we were depriving much needed nutrients to the actual HEALTHY tissue that SURROUNDED this growing tumor. As a result, the tumor continued to grow and threaten the patient's life."
"That's when we turned to Dr. Obama for advice," said Dr. Harry Reid, head of the institute's Department of Useless Palaver. I think Dr. McConnell and I will agree that was a good idea."
"That is correct," said Dr. Mitch McConnell, head of the institute's Department of Obstructive Diseases. "Dr. Obama wanted to continue throwing money at the insurance companies, AND spend money to revitalize the tissue around the tumor. I was dead set against that part because it would have meant less money for the insurance companies."Continued on the next page