Gov. Walker Negotiates (A Fantasy)
(The scene opens as Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker stands in front of a group of Wisconsin State Senate Democrats and State Employee Union Leaders.)
GOV WALKER: I'm glad I was finally able to get Wisconsin's Senate Democrats and State Employee Union Leaders into one room so we can negotiate a final settlement to this pressing budget issue.
STATE SENATOR: A cell in the Winnebago Correction Center is hardly a "room..."
GOV. WALKER: ...but we're all together and we're talking and that's the important part.
UNION LEADER: Except that we're on one side of the bars and you're on the other.
GOV. WALKER: That's just to ensure your undivided attention. Now, down to business. You know we have a huge budget problem that frankly, as governor, I can't fix unless I have your help.
UNION LEADER: You HAVE our help! We've OFFERED our help. In every item you've asked for. Salary, pensions, insurance, we've met your numbers. We've taken the cuts. We agree we have to sacrifice to help you balance the budget.
STATE SENATOR: You have a balanced budget ON YOUR DESK! All you need to do is get us to approve it, and you can sign it and we can be on our way.
GOV. WALKER: Ah! Ah! Ah! You're leaving out one little point. You're not agreeing to give up all your union rights!
UNION LEADER: But why should we have to do THAT? You asked, we delivered! We're not the greedy, lazy, lean-on-a-shovel, public workers you've made us out to be to the media, especially Fox News. You asked for salary cuts. We agreed to salary cuts. You asked us to pay more for our insurance. We agreed to pay more for our insurance. You asked us to contribute more to our pensions. We agreed to increase our contributions.
STATE SENATOR: Yeah, what more could you want.
GOV. WALKER. I don't think you've been listening. Bruno, hose down the cell again.
(The senators and union leaders scream in discomfort as their crowded cell is blasted from two sides by high-pressure water hoses.)
GOV. WALKER: Maybe that will clear your minds for our further negotiations.Continued on the next page