Hi. I'm Newt Gingrich. I'd Like to Be Your President. Perhaps, Even Your Lover. We'll See.
Hi there. I'm Newt Gingrich. Perhaps you've heard of me? That's right. I was the architect of the 1994 Republican Revolution. You remember? Contract With America and all that?
Sure you do.
I was a great Speaker of the House. And I'll be an even GREATER president. Want to know why?
Because I love America. That means, I love you. Especially if you're a fine, foxy, blond whose face hasn't been stretched out of proportion by plastic surgery. At least, not yet.
Oh, I know. You think I'm a BAD boy. You heard all that stuff about how I cheated on my first wife with my second wife. How I served her with divorce papers while she was on her sickbed trying to recover from cancer, poor thing. You heard how I cheated on my second wife with my third wife. And while I was doing that, I was impeaching the popular Democrat President of the United States for getting some sweet, sweet love from a chubby little intern, time the President could have spent better getting a handle on this little Al Qaeda thing instead of being distracted by my constant hounding of him for doing far less with his fat little intern than I was doing with my scary-looking girlfriend.
But you LIKE a bad boy, don't you? That's why you liked Clinton. HE was a bad boy. He was the kind of bad boy who would take you out on a date in high school with a mattress in the back of his pickup truck and your dad would smile, wink and give him the thumbs up as he drove away with your virginity.
That's the kind of bad boy I am now. Not the bumbling, stumbling, fat little hypocrite, fumbling around in dark closets in the House of Representatives Office Complex with whoever walked by with a skirt. I'm more sophisticated now.
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