Howdy! Ah'm Gomer Pawlenty! And I'd SHORE Lahk t'be Presydent!
Sha-ZAM!!!
Howdy, folks! Mah name is Tim Pawlenty. But folks round the service station calls me "Gomer." Ah wonders why they does that, cuz Tim don't hardly SOUND like "Gomer" no how, but Ah'm an agreeable sort so I don't mind it much. And Ah got's me an announcement ta make.
SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE!!! Ah'm runnin' fer PRESYDINT!
Shuckn's, but Ah'd shore be honored and tickled pink if y'all would let me be yer Presydint for awhile. Ah wouldn't hurt the country none and Ah'd leave it just as clean as Ah found it. Y'all got mah word on that.
Just lookee here at what Ah done when Ah was Gubberner of Minnysoda!
Ah done wrote me a book once. It was called "Courage to Stand." Heck, a feller gets TIRED of CRAWLIN' everywhere and the other kids in school will TEASE a feller if'n he can't walk on his own by the time he gets into kiddygarten. Less'n he's a cripple or some other sort of unfortunate. And Ah ain't got no quarrel with cripples. They can vote for me, too!
Ah'm 50 years old, Ah ain't never killed nobody what Ah knows of, and you won't be able to find no examples of me flip-floppin' like a catfish on the pier like ol' "Flippy Mitt Romney" on account of Ah ain't never really SAID mucha nuthin' what could come back to bite me on my hiney parts if'n Ah ever changed mah mind on it.
Gawwww-LEE! Ah figger Ah'm about as clean a candidate as yer gonna git in this here election. Ah ain't CRAZY lahk that OTHER Minnysoda person what's lookin' at runnin'... you know, Michele Bachmann? Ah hates to say anythin' bad about the critter cuz they teaches ya in church not to bare any false witnesses, but she's nuttier than a squirrel in an acorn tree is what she is, and that ain't a lie cuz you heard her say some nutty things your own self!
Ah ain't never cheated on no wife of mine and Ah whupped that there Jesse Ventura feller right outta the Gubberner's office when he decided not to run again, so Ah got that goin' for me, too!
Now they's some folks what'll tell you Ah'm prone to tell a whopper from time to time. Lahk when Ah said Obamacare is unconstitutional. That's just mah opinion, accourse, on account of no court has said it is yet. But it's mah opinion. And when Ah said gubbermint workers oughta get a pay freeze, ah honestly did not know that this here Obammer feller already DONE put a pay freeze on federal employees. But ah figger he only did it cuz he knowed Ah wuz gonner tell him he orta!
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