Miss Alaska Disqualified from Politics
I’ve never written much about Sarah Palin because, really, who cares? About three weeks into her national debut she proved herself unelectable. The idea of Palin just one heartbeat away from an old man’s presidency was too scary to imagine.
Still, enough people liked her for her to secure a no-duties job at FOX News. And despite her un-electability, Palin’s star continued to rise. Until recently, that is. Now she’s on the way down. But after all this time, no A-list political analyst has unlocked Palin’s “logic.” It seems so obvious…
Palin thinks she is competing in a beauty pageant.
That’s it. Every move she makes is choreographed as if by a pageant coach. Yes, that’s an actual job, in case you were wondering.
Not surprisingly, the American beauty contest was invented by America’s greatest huckster, P.T. Barnum. He’s famous for the quote “There is a sucker born every minute.” Some say he never said it, that it was said by someone else – about his customers. Either way, Palin appeals to the same people who TiVo TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras in hopes of getting a few tips. So I guess there is some truth to the sucker idea, whoever said it.
Toddlers and Tiaras, in case you haven’t been blessed, is the show where depressed and illiterate parents abuse their snotty little girls while hoping for great success in something that is utterly trivial. It’s Train Wreck TV™.
You don’t see the connection? Here are some pageant rules from Pompadour Johnnie’s Path to the Pageant Crown, which may or may not be a real book:
Rule 1 – Shine!
The successful pageant contestant monopolizes the attention of the audience and the judges. Never let another contestant shine brighter or get more attention than you. If you want to be a star, you have to cast a shadow over everyone else on the stage, so wear big hair and push up front.
Talk all the time. Even when you have nothing to say, keep talking. Talking is easy and fun. It’s not like reading, I promise!!!
Rule 2 – When you make a mistake, keep going
In the talent portion, you must never, ever stop if you make a mistake. Just pretend like you never tripped or slipped or forgot the third chorus, and carry on with your routine. Afterwards never, ever, mention or admit to your mistake. We call this “poise.”
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