Obama to Speak to Nation Tonight: Will Revoke Lincoln's Declaration of Victory in Civil War
We've learned through anonymous sources that when President Obama addresses the nation at 9 pm ET this evening, it will be to announce that the United States has revoked its declaration of victory in the Civil War.
It's unclear what legal effect this will have, but Constitutional experts indicate it will mean the states that seceded from the Union in 1861 will be considered to be no longer part of the United States.
"One thing I've learned as President is knowing when you're beating a dead horse," a leaked copy of the President's comments reads. "It's clear that the people who inhabit the states formerly known as the Confederate States of America do not share the ideals, the values, the respect for diversity or the goals for the future that we in the Unites States share.
"Therefore, effective immediately, I am issuing an executive order revoking President Lincoln's declaration of victory in 1865. In order to ensure that no armed hostilities commence as a result of a continuance of the Civil War, I also declare that the United States hereby ceases its claim to these states, recognizes their capital of Richmond, Virginia, and anything else these yahoos want us to recognize."
In his statement, the President will propose that people residing in the states of Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas and Texas will henceforth share dual citizenship with the United States until midnight, January 1, 2012. At that time, anyone living in those states who wishes to remain an American citizen must sign a form swearing allegiance to the United States and renounce allegiance to the Confederate States. Anyone wishing to do so may apply to the United States Government for relocation assistance in order to move to any city they choose within the new borders of the United States. Likewise, all racists, homophobes, misogynists, and people who refuse to accept the basic realities of science where evolution and climate are concerned, will be allowed to seek government assistance to get out of the United States.
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