REPENT, YE SINNERS! It's Probably Already Too Late, but What the Hell? Repent, Anyway!
Oh, my children, my sweet and lost innocent lambs. Do you not see the disaster that looms before us like, um, so many looms burdened with the cotton fibre of doom. Doom looms? It certainly does. And it is probably already too late to save your sinful, misbegotten souls, but the Almighty commands that I at least try.
And don't think this is not a sacrifice for me. I should be at the Safeway, clearing milk and toilet paper and canned tuna and corned beef hash and everything with the words "Dinty Moore" off of the shelves to feed my family (with a little left over for doggie snacks) when the the great disaster of doom strikes this weekend.
LOOK AT THESE FACES!!! LOOK AT THEM!!!
Could you deny such sweet innocence even a SPOONFUL of tasty Dinty Moore drippings?
SINNERS!
No wonder God has decided to take his wrath out and shake it real good all over you. Or "thee," as the case may be.
Did he not WARN you with his Earthquake in Diverse Places? (That's a town in Virginia, I'm told.) Was that not enough warning for you (or "thou"? "Thee"?) to be warned with great warning that the worse is yet to come?
For LO!
An angel of the LORD hath spoken to me. (They usually do after I take Ambien at bedtime, but rarely quite so stridently.)
He said (or "sayeth", and as far as being a "he", who can really tell with angels? The long blonde hair, the flowing robes? I can't tell, dude or chick, and I ain't about to ask) that the Earthquake our loving father God sent to show His love was NOTHING compared to the great compassion and mercy He is about to show the entire East Coast of the United States by leveling it down to the ground and washing it clean down to the bedrock with His Hurricane of Justice.
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