The Republican Ticket That Democrats Want
Whenever a campaign-killing allegation erupts—Bachmann’s Medicaid billing, Cain’s serial sexual harassment, Ron Paul’s eyebrow falling off, and now Gingrich’s lobbying scandal, the perp is quick to blame a Democratic conspiracy. OK, Ron Paul didn’t exactly blame Dems when his brow dropped. His campaign blamed tiredness. Follicular fatigue, I suppose…
Frankly, when these simpletons blame Democrats, actual Dems scratch their heads as to why anyone might believe it. So let’s clear the air. Here’s a rundown of who Democrats want to be the Republican nominee.
Despite his press narrative, Newt Gingrich isn’t intelligent. But he is articulate, cunning, and extremely manipulative. That’s what passes for smart in today’s Republican Party. It has become a party of predators.
Currently, he is trying to manipulate you into believing that his only weakness is a big mouth. This obscures his three marriages, hypocritical adultery, phony “Gingrich Awards,” and the eighty-four ethics charges that led to his being the only Speaker of the House ever forced to resign from office. Bring him on as presidential nominee, but Democrats (except for maybe Joe Biden, who loves a good fight) hope you’ll leave him home as VP. He’s a pretty accomplished attack dog.
Herman Cain is high on the list of presidential nominees any Democrat would love. He is a world-class fathead, which leads him to imagine—wrongly—that he can wing it. He owns a drip, drip scandal—accusations of serial sexual harassment. And there is some funny business with campaign spending.
He’d likely look the fool in any debate with the President. And he solves two particular problems for Democrats. First, he is less attractive to women than the others. Second having two black candidates probably means that hardcore racists will stay home. The Republican Party is not endemically racist, but if you are a racist it is the party you’ll choose. For these two reasons, Cain is probably their biggest turnout killer. Bring him on!
Ron Paul is funny, but not because he has a sense of humor. He’s a strange little man who talks like Gollum and vainly wears fake eyebrows. Paul benefits from his libertarian ideology, a belief system that hides pathological selfishness under the covers of both liberal and conservative ideas. Paul’s curse is the zealots he attracts. His hectoring and histrionic acolytes repulse most people. That said he’d be the most comical candidate since that nasal-gnome, Ross Perot. Bring him on!Continued on the next page