Tonight's Imaginary Debate on Faux News
If I were you, I wouldn't even bother watching tonight's debate between the GOP Presidential hopefuls. It's hosted by Fox News, so you already know what's going to be asked and what the answers will be.
Here is a transcript of the debate as it will unfold tonight.
FOX NEWS MODERATOR: Good evening and welcome to tonight's debate between this fine group of Americans, any one of which will send the Marxist, socialist, Kenyan pretender back to his mud hut in Nigeria or wherever. We've only invited the top three candidates to appear... Texas Governor Rick Perry, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, and Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann. Even though he was not invited, even though he was specifically told NOT to show up, a group of brown-shirted thugs have kicked in the doors with their hobnail boots and brought their own podium so that Texas Congressman Ron Paul can take part. They have people in the control room, so we've decided to let him stay. Each candidate will begin with a brief statement. Ladies first.
BACHMANN: Thank you, nameless faceless Fox News drone. I'm running for president because Jesus is TIRED of trying to get your attention with earthquakes and hurricanes and instead is relying on my screeching, screeching voice to make you listen to the fact that we are spending too much money. We have to stop spending money. Would you spend money you don't have? Of course not. Neither should we.
PERRY: Ah guess it's mah turn, ain't it? Well then, ah think it's about time we put a REAL American back into the White House and get shut of that — well, ah don't gotta tell you whut he is, you can LOOK at him and tell whut he is — that feller with the good sun tan what we got in there now. He says he's an American but have you ever knowed one of "those people" to tell the truth? Not me.
ROMNEY: I just want to say that I stopped at a Burger King before coming over here. I had a Whopper. And it was DELICIOUS! See? I am a regular guy. I ate the Fried French Potato stripes, too! And enjoyed the Shaken Milk beverage. Vote for me because I am one of YOU!Continued on the next page