Apple is Doomed. DOOMED
Tim Cook is totally out of control. The power has gone to his head. He's only had the CEO job for a little over a week and already he's throwing his weight around.
He gave Eddie Cue a promotion to Executive High Wizard of Selling Shit Online. My source on the inside (Deep Somethingorother) tells me he also gave him a dollar an hour raise. If Steve Jobs thought he was worth another dollar an hour, I think he would have taken care of it before turning over the job.
Personally, I think Eddie's been kissing Tim's ass pretty shamelessly for the last few months.
So, he gets a promotion. It's the same kind of thing as Tim's promotion – same job, new title, a new office and a few more bucks in the pay envelope.
If that was all that was going on, it would be enough. Apple is going to resume selling Final Cut Studio. Steve Jobs decided to quit selling it. Tim gets into the job and says, "You know what Steve? People still want that old shit, so I'm going to sell it to them and use the proceeds to buy you a clue. Dumb. Ass."
In a statement to the press, Tim also announced that he was bringing back Clarus the dogcow, the six-color Apple logo, OpenDoc, Cyberdog, and Chicago as the default system font.
"And," he said, "I want a goddamn cheeseburger on the cafeteria menu. With bacon. And mayo and ketchup and big greasy steak fries. If I have to look at another poached tilapia filet somebody's ass is outta here."
In other news, Rush Limbaugh took a few minutes away from repeating the same sentence over and over to praise Steve Jobs as a visionary genius. Rush said Steve was one of the five people he most wants to meet. He couldn't name the other four.Continued on the next page