Facebook Timeline Accidentally Shows Future, Users Freaking Out
This article is for entertainment purposes only; facts and opinions included may be partly or entirely fictional.
Facebook has just announced its latest feature for the battle against Google+: The Timeline profile, which lays out your updates, photos, and videos chronographically.
The Timeline profile, which came into being after considerable influence of the American Stalkers Association, shows you everything you've added in the past, year by year.
The update is a big step forward for Facebook. "We heard you: You want to know what someone had for breakfast, before you see what they had for lunch", summarizes the official introduction page.
- Mark Zuckerberg presenting the Timeline at the f8 conference
Although it's being shocking for many users, suddenly realizing that they've been wearing the same sweater for years, for some users it has been particularly upsetting: They saw their future as well.
Mary-Ann Stonebridge of 21, one of the unsuspecting victims, told me "I was just flipping through the years and then there I was in 2015 – married to my dorky neighbor Pete! I could barely keep myself from fainting, but seeing that ugly alien kid I'm about to have with him pushed me over the edge!".
Other users were equally horrified by their future, with reports of getting caught while reorganizing a porn video collection, finding out one has romantic feelings towards ducks, or how one's compulsive stealing of napkins could actually trigger an earthquake.
High-profile users of Facebook were also affected. Justin Bieber was deeply depressed for a day when he saw he'd be bold in a few years; Bob Marley was surprised to see he would be alive again soon; and Lady Gaga found out her purple-silver wig would get stuck permanently.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg responded to the reports, saying "I know, it's the greatest thing since sliced bread. You should check out my future. Mwuhahaha!".
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