The "Good-Bye Steve Jobs" Writers Guide
It's day five of All Steve Jobs, All The Time.
The stock is up, the rhetoric is up, the synaptic activity is down – way down. Some sites (hit-whore sites with the same taste and sophistication as a well-rendered belch in church) are starting to post paparazzi-style pictures of Mr. Jobs trying to live his private life.
If you have absolutely nothing to do, including dusting the houseplants, you should write another testimonial about how He has touched your life even though you've never met Him. If you're going to write yet another weepy eulogy about The Great Man (in Yahoo!, 'Steve Jobs Resigns' will return about 8.4 million results), there are a few conventions that must be obeyed.
- You must include the following words and terms: visionary, mercurial, perfectionist, insightful, inspirational, leader, liver, pancreas, cancer, NeXT, Pixar, demanding, showman (or keynote), brilliant, unique culture, innovation, Disney.(Synonyms may be substituted where appropriate)
- You must mention: Woz, garage, "fired from Apple in 1985," "Returned to Apple in 1997," iPod, iPhone, iTunes, iMac, iPad, illness, App Store.
- You should relate a story about how you saw Him do something no one else would ever do that touched your life and proves and illustrates what a paragon of wonderfulness He is. Perhaps the time you saw Him personally lick all the bug guts off of an old lady's windshield in the parking lot of WalMart.
- Don't forget to include multiple references to medical leave, liver transplant, ailing, gaunt, thin, weak and medical leave. If possible break down the medical leave day-by-day since 2003, including days where He stayed home because He had the shits or just wanted to dick off and play Bejeweled all day.
- For extra credit you can add biographical information about His love life, past and present.
- To really stand out, mention Hewlett-Packard, Atari, and Breakout.
- Don't forget to mention He's been sick.