Help, I worry too much!
Of all the things I never anticipated about motherhood, the one that knocks the breath out of me is the many moments of helplessness that slap me upside the head. I expected sleeplessness. And even loneliness. But the overwhelming feeling of helplessness was a surprise. I guess I pictured myself as the same confident woman I was before I had children.
I walked a lot taller than the 60 inches granted to me by the height police. I talked boldly, and admittedly, sometimes brashly. I over zealously scratched out the many items big and small on my to-do list. I was a doer, a go getter. The consummate Type A girl.
When I became a mother, my taut little ball of confidence and control shattered under the weight of my 7 pound baby. I became a nail gnawing worrier, a departure from the corporate warrior I was before.
For starters, I never held a baby until I had my own. I played Material Girl Barbie and eschewed Baby Alive. I was decidedly the non-maternal one in my group of friends. I regarded motherhood in a cerebral context, not grasping the emotional weight of it until I had a baby myself. Being the ENFJ uber organized girl that I am, I just figured life would go on as scheduled.
I hear you chuckling out there. I totally know you are laughing at me for being so so naive. And yeah, that was pretty stupid thinking. Those ridiculous ideas shot up in smithereens like a clown from a faulty circus cannon.
And that's when I started feeling helpless.
Relinquishing control is a tough gig for me. I'm no good at delegating, and some might say I suck at teamwork because of that. Committees and I just don't jive. I know this about myself. I recognize it as a character flaw, and motherhood has helped remedy this. That little tiny bundle was asleep in his Moses basket, lying there even more helpless than me. I had to buck up.
I frantically knocked away all the feelings of frustration, angst, confusion, worry, guilt, and panic that strike a new mother. I refused to play the What If game. I absorbed the moment for the first time in my life. I couldn't wallow in helplessness.Continued on the next page