I Accidentally Drugged, then Drowned, then Smothered My Baby, Didn't Tell the Cops or Call 911, and Then Went Partying. Forgive Me?
(Please note — this is a particularly DARK bit of satire. If such things as are depicted in the image above upset you, please don't read this. If you DO read this and are upset, then it's YOUR fault, not mine!)
I'm glad I don't live in Florida. I would hate to have to sit on the jury judging Casey Anthony. For one thing, I would probably have to ask the judge to recuse me.
You see... I have this secret I've been keeping from my new friends and family here in Maryland.
I, also, have drugged, drowned, smothered and left a baby to be eaten by raccoons in the woods, went partying, and never bothered to tell anybody about it until people started asking, "Hey, didn't you have a kid?"
So I can sympathize with her.
Of course, my case bears no similarity whatsoever to what happened to poor little Caylee. My baby was a boy... Kevin Lee, or K. Lee for short.
This all happened years ago in North Dakota, and I've since been acquitted by a jury of my peers. (Took 'em awhile to find 12 chubby, bald-headed Democrats in North Dakota, not to mention the 4 alternates.)
What happened was this.
K. Lee was a pain in my ass. The little bastard was a 24/7 crying, screaming poop machine. I could tell by the time he was two that K. Lee was destined to be the Anti-Christ, so with the Lord as my guide, I drugged the little asshole, threw him in the swimming pool (it was my neighbor's pool, and he was throwing one of his legendary poolside pig roasts at the time, so nobody noticed one more body floating face down in the pool), then after everyone else went home, I took the little bastard out of the pool, drove to a thick patch of woods (I drove for hours looking for the proper place... imagine my surprise when I realized they found his little bones 5 minutes walking distance from my house)... and dumped him like a bag of trash. To make sure his soul couldn't escape his body and be reincarnated into my NEXT child, I put duct tape over his nose and mouth... as well as other places.
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