Fears of a Single Mom & Dating
It's been over 7-years since I've last had a serious relationship, believe it or not. Wow....just writing that gave me that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that everyone talks about when they experience a weird moment, or unsettling news comes to light. I've kept myself so busy during the past few years: finishing my B.A. degree, working full time, and spending every other single free moments with my little girl, refusing to let anyone take that time away from her. Dating was just something I had voluntarily put on hold. In other words, it was my own personal choice.
For so many years, I felt it was my duty to do just this. After all she didn't ask to be born into a world where she'd be surrounded by kids her own age, that are being raised by both a mom and a dad. She'd know early on that she was different and I didn't want her feeling like she was any less loved.
So for the past few years, I've casually dated here and there but never let anything get too serious. I kept telling myself that my perfect soul mate and father figure for Isabella was out there somewhere, and that when we met I'd somehow know he was the one. I've heard those who have found true love describe that moment being a feeling of just "Knowing" they were meant to be with one another. That "Real Love" wasn't something you needed to go searching for. It was the part of life that usually found you when you least expected it. My only problem was expecting for this "perfect soul mate" to knock on my door during the many Friday and Saturday nights I spent at home watching life time movies, getting lost in my newest romance novel and daydreaming about my vision of my perfect life in a perfect world I hoped to be one day.
It took what seemed like an out of body experience,watching myself as I blew out the 27 candles on my caravel ice cream birthday cake last year for me to realize that if I don't let go of the guilt I felt all these years of her father not being around by devoting my life to making up for his absence, that I was going to have to start preparing myself for a lifetime of loneliness. After all, my little girl was gong to one day grow-up and start living a life of her own, and I'll be alone again. Just like I was when he bounced like a coyote the moment I told him I was pregnant, and refused to have an abortion seven long years ago. When I really sat down and thought about what I really wanted for myself and my future I knew one thing. I didn't want to be alone and that despite the lack of luck in finding love, I still believed in it. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life never knowing what "True Love" really feels like, because its' obvious now that I never really had it when I thought I did.
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