Feature: Soapbox Musings

That Swimsuit You're Wearing? IT'S EXPIRED!

Author: MaryFran Bontempo
Published: July 04, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Let’s talk about expiration dates.

You know about expiration dates. They’re the itty bitty numbers stamped on perishable products like milk, medicine and meat. The FDA is big on using expiration dates as a way of keeping us from getting sick. If you ignore an expiration date, do so at your own peril.

That carton of milk with last week’s date stamped on it? Take a gulp of that and you could find yourself chewing on curds and whey a la Little Miss Muffet. Unless you want to chance breaking out in purple polka dots, you might want to call your doctor for a new prescription instead of downing those expired meds. As for expired meat, well, let’s just say that if you’re looking to develop an intimate relationship with your bathroom, go for it. Otherwise, steer clear.

So, expiration dates are useful, one could argue even essential, when it comes to the well-being of the American people. But I don’t think the government has gone far enough.

An annual plague assaults the nation between late May and early September, a flood of horror which could be stemmed if our leaders would expand the use of expiration dates, attaching criminal penalties to anyone who willfully ignores the time sensitive directives.

I refer to individuals who insist on wearing entirely “un-suitable” bathing suits long past the expiration date stamped on the wearer’s body. And make no mistake, the date is there, even though it seems it’s apparently invisible to the offender.

Generally, it’s easy to determine if a suit’s date is expired. Three handy tools to assess expiration dates are universally available, but unfortunately too often ignored. The first—a mirror, the second—the size marked on the tag of the suit and the third—a calendar.

Here’s how it works: put on the suit in which you intend to go out in public. Stand in front of a mirror. Now take a good, clear-eyed look at what you see. If large parts of you are hanging over the sides, front and back of the suit in question, you have passed the expiration date for that suit. 

Most frequently, this applies to women and bikinis or two-piece suits. Ladies, if your belly is flopping down over the top of the suit and the girls above look like they’re screaming to pop out of your top, IT’S EXPIRED! Take it off and look for something else.

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Article Author: MaryFran Bontempo

Mary Fran Bontempo relies on writing to help her navigate a thirty-one plus year "career" as a wife, mother, author, teacher, former youth director, newspaper columnist, business writer, taxi driver, waitress, nurse, chief cook and bottle washer. …

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